RAW- Part One

The blog world is new to me. I’m not a writer, and my English classes were used as social hours instead of learning. Don’t criticize my writing skills and accept my blogs for what they are. They will be a raw journey of my life’s experiences battling anxiety, depression, loss, being the family’s black sheep, motherhood, and everything in between. I live in an invisible nightmare daily and know that I am not alone. I want these blogs to reach individuals who can relate and give hope in continuing their daily battle with whatever demons they are facing. You’re not alone; to someone with anxiety, that is the most comforting feeling in the world.

From a child to an adult I always felt off. I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it, but boy did I feel it. My brain stayed in a constant state of overdrive and I thought that was normal. Who knew that voice was supposed to shut up? Mine convinced me that I must be aware of everything at all times. Every clue was important and must go straight to my memory bank. There were no exceptions to the rules. If I watched a medical show like ER or Grey’s Anatomy, I would store the medical condition/symptoms. I must remember this information in case I ever feel like that. Be prepared.

I was a sponge holding on to everything. Not school related of course, but maintaining that hyper-awareness of what could hurt me. So I retained, retained, and retained…

Every day, I would search for the possible threat. I did this at home, school, tv shows, and social functions. The more I did it the more I felt physically sick. Suffering in silence was the only option. There was no freaking way I was telling anyone. I carried this with me for several years until it was too much. Barely functioning was not going to be my new normal. I finally decided I needed someone. Anyone. I was desperate. There must be another person on this planet that feels like this. If not, I don’t want to be here anymore. Please someone help me. I want to be normal, loved, married, and have a family, but who would want someone damaged like me? HELP!!

I was wrong. I’m not damaged and am normal. All I had to do was ask for help. Finally, I did.